3 另一边自我的模糊记忆 Quasi Memories of the Other Self

"Can you tell us what's going on" Nestor asked me when all of us were together that night. "Where did you two go yesterday"

「你能告诉我们发生了什么事吗？」当天晚上我们都在一起时，奈士特问我，「你们两个昨天到哪里去了？」

I had forgotten la Gorda's recommendation that we not talk about what had happened to us. I began to tell them that we had gone first to the nearby town and we had found a most intriguing house there.

我已经忘了拉葛达建议我们不要谈所发生的事。我开始告诉他们，我们先去了附近的小镇，发现了一栋有趣的房子。

All of them seemed to have been touched by a sudden tremor. They perked up, looked at one another, and then they stared at la Gorda as if waiting for her to tell them about it.

"What kind of a house was it" Nestor asked.

「什么样的屋子？」奈士特问。

Before I had time to answer, la Gorda interrupted me. She began to talk in a hurried almost incoherent manner. It was evident to me that she was improvising. She even used words and phrases in the Mazatec language. She gave me furtive glances that spelled out a silent plea not to say anything about it.

我还来不及回答，拉葛达就打了岔。她开始急忙谈起话来，几乎语无伦次。很明显她是在临时乱诌。她甚至用上了马札提克语言。她偷偷瞧我，用眼睛沉默地请求我不要再说下去。

"How about your dreaming, Nagual" she asked me with the relief of someone who has found the way out. "We'd like to know everything you do. I think it's very important that you tell us."

「你的「做梦」进行得如何，Nagual？」她问我，像是终于找到了逃生之路的松了口气。「我们想知道你所做的一切。我觉得很重要，你必须告诉我们。」

She leaned over and as casually as she could she whispered in my ear that because of what had happened to us in Oaxaca I had to tell them about my dreaming.

她尽可能随意地倾身过来，在我耳边悄悄说，由于我们在欧萨卡市的经验，我必须跟他们谈我的「做梦」。

"Why would it be important to you" I said loudly.

「为什么对你们会重要呢？」我大声说。

"I think we are very close to the end," la Gorda said solemnly. "Everything you say or do to us is of key importance now."

「我觉得我们很接近终点了，」拉葛达严肃地说，「你所说及所做的一切，对我们都具有关键性的重要。」

I related to them the events of what I considered my true dreaming. Don Juan had told me that there was no point in emphasizing the trials. He gave me a rule of thumb; if I should have the same vision three times, he said, I had to pay extraordinary attention to it; otherwise, a neophyte's attempts were merely a stepping stone to building the second attention.

我向他们叙述我认为是我真正的「做梦」。唐望告诉过我，不需要强调细节。他给了我一个准则：如果我看见了同样的影像三次，我就要特别加以注意；否则，初学者的尝试都只是建立第二注意力的踏脚石而已。

I dreamed once that I woke up and jumped out of bed only to be confronted by myself still sleeping in bed. I watched myself asleep and had the self-control to remember that I was dreaming. I followed then the directions don Juan had given me, which were to avoid sudden jolts or surprises, and to take everything with a grain of salt. The dreamer has to get involved, don Juan said, in dispassionate experimentations. Rather than examining his sleeping body, the dreamer walks out of the room. I suddenly found myself, without knowing how, outside my room. I had the absolutely clear sensation that I had been placed there instantaneously. When I first stood outside my door, the hall and the staircase were monumental. If anything really scared me that night, it was the size of those structures, which in real life were thoroughly commonplace; the hall was about fifty feet long and the staircase had sixteen steps.

有一次我「做梦」看见我醒来，跳下了床，却发现我仍然睡在床上。我注视着熟睡的自己，有足够的自制记得我是在「做梦」。我遵照唐望给我的指示：避免突然的惊动，对一切都浅尝即可。唐望说，「做梦者」必须以不动情绪的实验态度来进行。「做梦者」不应该观察自己的睡眠身体，而应该走出房间。我突然发现自己不知如何已经离开了房间。我完全清楚地知道我是立即到了外面。我站在门外，发现走廊与楼梯间变得非常巨大。如果那一晚有什么东西惊吓了我，就是建筑物的尺寸。平常毫不引人注意的走廊变成五十尺长，楼梯有十六阶高。

I could not conceive how to cover the enormous distances I was perceiving. I vacillated, then something made me move. I did not walk, though. I did not feel my steps. Suddenly I was holding on the the railing. I could see my hands and forearms but I did not feel them. I was holding on by the force of something that had nothing to do with my musculature as I know it. The same thing happened when I tried to go down the stairs. I did not know how to walk. I just could not take a step. It was as if my legs were welded together. I could see my legs by leaning over, but I could not move them forward or laterally, nor could I lift them up toward my chest. I seemed to be stuck to the top step. I felt I was like those inflated plastic dolls that can lean in any direction until they are horizontal, only to be pulled upright again by the weight of their heavy rounded bases.

我想不出要如何跨越我所知觉到的巨大距离。我迟疑着，然后我内部有某种东西使我移动。但我不是用走的。我感觉不到我的脚步。突然间我抓住了扶手栏杆。我可以看见我的手臂，但我感觉不到它们。我是用某种与我所知的肌肉无关的力量抓住了栏杆。同样的事也发生在当我试着走下楼梯时。仿佛我的脚被粘在一起了。我弯腰时可以看见我的脚，但是我无法移动它们向前，也无法抬起脚。我似乎被固定在楼梯的最高阶。我觉得我像那种充气的塑料不倒翁，可以倾斜到任何方向，只是会马上被底座的重量给拉直起来。

I made a supreme effort to walk and bounced from step to step like a clumsy ball. It took an incredible degree of attention to get to the ground floor. I could not describe it in any other way. Some form of attentiveness was required to maintain the bounds of my vision, to prevent it from disintegrating into the fleeting images of an ordinary dream.

我尽了最大的努力来行走，从一阶跳到另一阶，像个笨拙的皮球。我花了极大的注意力才抵达底层。我无法用任何方式来描述底层的情况。我需要用某种注意力来维持住我的视线，使它不至于分解为平常梦境的瞬息万变。

I stayed in the street, bewildered, until I began to have the sensation that I was levitating. I held on to the metal pole that supported the light and the street sign on the corner. A strong breeze was lifting me up. I was sliding up the pole until I could plainly see the name of the street: Ashton.

我迷惑地站在街上，直到我开始感觉我飘浮了起来。我抓住了街灯及路牌的金属杆。一阵强风把我吹了起来。我从杆子滑上去，看到了街名：阿许顿（Ashton)街。

When I finally got to the street door I could not open it. I tried desperately, but to no avail; then I recalled that I .had gotten out of my room by gliding out of it as if the door had been open. All I needed was to recall that feeling of gliding and suddenly I was out in the street. It looked dark—a peculiarly lead-gray darkness that did not permit me to perceive any colors. My interest was drawn immediately to an enormous lagoon of brightness right in front of me, at my eye level. I deduced rather than perceived that it was the street light, since I knew there was one right on the corner, twenty feet above the ground. I knew then that I could not make the perceptual arrangements needed in order to judge up, or down, or here, or there. Everything seemed to be extraordinarily present. I had no mechanism, as in ordinary life, to arrange my perception. Everything was there in the foreground and I had no volition to construct an adequate screening procedure.

当我终于来到通往街道的门时，我无法打开它。我拼命尝试，但没有用；然后我记得我是用飞的离开我的房间，仿佛门是开的。我所需要做的只是回忆起飞行的感觉，于是我突然间就到了街上。看起来很暗─一种特殊的铅灰色让我无法知觉到任何色彩。我立刻被眼前一池巨大的光亮所吸引。***推论，而不是靠知觉，知道那是街灯，因为我知道在街角就有一盏街灯，离地面二十尺高。这时我知道我无法在知觉上判断上下高低，或这里那里。一切都是惊人地存在于现在。我没有日常生活中的心理机构来安排我的知觉。一切都在眼前，我无法加以适当的过滤。

Months later, when I again found myself in a dream looking at my sleeping body, I already had a repertoire of things to do. In the course of my regular dreaming I had learned that what matters in that state was volition, the corporeality of the body has no significance. It is simply a memory that slows down the dreamer. I glided out of the room without hesitation, since I did not have to act out the motions of opening a door or walking in order to move. The hall and staircase were not as enormous as they appeared to be the first time. I glided through with great ease and ended up in the street where I willed myself to move three blocks. I became aware then that the lights were still very disturbing sights. If I focused my attention on them, they became pools of immeasurable size. The other elements of that dream were easy to control. The buildings were extraordinarily large, but their features were familiar. I pondered what to do. And then, quite casually, I realized that if I did not stare at things but only glanced at them, just as we do in our daily world, I could arrange my perception. In other words, if I followed don Juan's suggestions to the letter and took my dreaming for granted, I could use the perceptual biases of my everyday life. After a few moments the scenery became, if not completely familiar, controllable.

几个月后，当我又在「做梦」里看到熟睡的我时，我已经有一套例行的练习要在梦里做。在我平常的「做梦」中，我了解真正重要的是意志力，有形的身体是无关紧要的。身体只是拖累「做梦者」的一个回忆罢了。这次我毫不犹豫地飞出房间，因为我不需要去开门或行走就可以移动。走廊与楼梯不像首次看来那样巨大了。我轻易地滑行出来到街上，然后我用意志力移动三个街口。这时我开始觉察到灯光仍然十分令人困扰。如果我把注意力集中于灯光上，它们就会变成一池巨大的光亮。这个「做梦」中其余的元素则十分容易控制。建筑物十分巨大，但是形状是熟悉的。我疑惑不知该做什么。然后，很不经意的，我发现如果我不要凝视事物，只要瞥视，就像在日常世界的作法，我就可以安排我的知觉。换句话，如果我一字不漏地遵从唐望的指示，把我的「做梦」视为理所当然的事，我就可以使用到我日常生活中的知觉形式。经过了一会儿，影像变成即使不是完全熟悉，也是可以控制的。

The next time I had a similar dream I went to my favorite coffee shop on the corner. The reason I selected it was because I was used to going there all the time in the very early hours of the morning. In my dreaming I saw the usual waitresses who worked the graveyard shift; I saw a row of people eating at the counter, and right at the very end of the counter I saw a peculiar character, a man I saw nearly every day walking aimlessly around the UCLA campus. He was the only person who actually looked at me. The instant I came in he seemed to sense me. He turned around and stared at me.

下一次我有类似的「做梦」时，我到了街转角我最喜爱的咖啡店。我选择那里的原因是，我时常在凌晨时去那里。在我的「做梦」中，我看见了平常做夜班的女侍；我看见一排人站在柜台进食，然后在柜台的末端我看到一个特别的家伙，一个我几乎每天都会看到，在UCLA校园乱逛的人。他是唯一真正注视我的人。我进入咖啡店后，他似乎就感觉到了我。他转过身来凝视我。

I found the same man in my waking hours a few days later in the same coffee shop in the early hours of the morning. He took one look at me and seemed to recognize me. He looked horrified and ran away without giving me a chance to talk to him.

几天后的凌晨，我在清醒时，在同一家咖啡店看到了同一个人。他看了我一眼，似乎认出了我。他表情惊恐地跑走，不给我机会跟他谈话。

I came back once more to the same coffee shop and that was when the course of my dreaming changed. As I was watching the restaurant from across the street, the scene altered. I could not see the familiar buildings any more. Instead I saw primeval scenery. It was no longer night. It was bright daylight and I was looking at a lush valley. Swampy, deep-green, reedlike plants grew all over. Next to me there was a rock ledge eight to ten feet high. A huge saber-toothed tiger was sitting there. I was petrified. We looked at each other fixedly for a long time. The size of that beast was striking, yet it was not grotesque or out of proportion. It had a splendid head, big eyes the color of dark honey, massive paws, an enormous rib cage. What impressed me the most was the color of its fur. It was uniformly dark brown, almost chocolate. Its color reminded me of roasted coffee beans, only lustrous; it had strangely longish fur, not matted or ratty. It did not look like a puma's fur, or a wolf's or a polar bear's either. It looked like something I had never seen before.

我又回到了那家咖啡店一次，那是当我的「做梦」方向开始转变时。当我从另一边街道望着咖啡店时，影像发生变化。我看不见熟悉的建筑物，而看见原始的景象。不再是夜晚，而是大白天。我看见一个茂盛的峡谷。深绿色的沼泽植物到处生长。在我旁边是一个岩石平台，八到十尺高。一只巨大的剑齿虎坐在上面。我吓呆了。我们彼此凝视了许久。那只野兽的体型惊人，但是不丑陋或畸形。它有个美丽的头，蜂蜜颜色的大眼睛，巨大的爪子，雄浑的骨架。最令我印象深刻的是牠的毛皮颜色。一片均匀的深褐色，几乎是巧克力色。使我想起烤过的咖啡豆，但更有光泽；毛发奇怪的长，但不褴褛纠缠。看起来不像是虎豹的毛，也不像狼的毛，或熊的毛。而是我前所未见的东西。

From that time on, it became routine for me to see the tiger. At times the scenery was cloudy and chilly. I could see rain in the valley, thick, copious rain. At other times the valley was bathed in sunlight. Quite often I would see other saber-toothed tigers in the valley. I could hear their unique squeaking roar—a most nauseating sound to me.

从那时起，看见那头老虎成为我的例行公事。有时候景象会成为多云与寒冷。我看见峡谷落雨，倾盆大雨。其它时候峡谷是笼罩在阳光中。我时常会在峡谷中看见其它的剑齿虎。我可以听见它们独特的尖锐吼声─这个声音使我感到呕心。

The tiger never touched me. We stared at each other from ten to twelve feet away. Yet I could tell what he wanted. He was showing me how to breathe in a specific manner. It got to the point in my dreaming where I could imitate the tiger's breathing so well that I felt I was turning into one. I told the apprentices that a tangible result of my dreaming was that my body became more muscular.

老虎从来不会碰我。我们相距十至十二尺，凝视着对方。但是我能够知道它要什么。它在教导我一种特殊的呼吸方式。后来在我的「做梦」中，我能够模仿那老虎的呼吸到完美的地步，让我觉得我也开始变成一只老虎。我告诉门徒们，我的「做梦」带来一个具体的结果是，我的身体变得更有肌肉。

After listening to my account, Nestor marveled at how different their dreaming was from mine. They had particular dreaming tasks. His was to find cures for anything that ailed the human body. Benigno's task was to predict, foresee, find a solution for anything that was of human concern. Pablito's task was to find ways to build. Nestor said that those tasks were the reason why he dealt with medicinal plants, Benigno had an oracle, and Pablito was a carpenter. He added that, so far, they had only scratched the surface of their dreaming and that they had nothing of substance to report.

听完了我的报告后，奈士特很惊讶他们的「做梦」与我的是多么不同。他们都有特定的「做梦」任务。他的任务是去找出一切人类肉体痛苦的疗方。班尼诺的任务是去预测及解答人类所关切的一切。帕布力图的任务是寻找创造的方法。奈士特说那些任务使他去学习药用植物，使班尼诺成为预言者，使帕布力图成为木匠。他又说，到目前为止，他们只触及了他们「做梦」的表面，没有什么实际的成绩可报告。

"You may think that we've done a great deal," he went on, "but we haven't. Genaro and the Nagual did everything for us and for these four women. We've done nothing on our own yet."

「你会以为我们已经做了很多，」他继续说，「但是我们没有。哲那罗与Nagual为我们及这四个女人做了一切。我们自己还是一事无成。」

"It seems to me that the Nagual set you up differently," Benigno said, speaking very slowly and deliberately. "You must've been a tiger and you are definitely going to turn into one again. That's what happened to the Nagual, he had been a crow already and while in this life he turned into one again."

「看来Nagual对你有不同的安排，」班尼诺很缓慢谨慎地说，「你一定曾经是只老虎，你也一定会再变成一只。那就是发生在Nagual身上的事，他曾经是只乌鸦，而在这一生中，他又变成了一只乌鸦。」

"The problem is that that kind of tiger doesn't exist any more," Nestor said. "We never heard what happens in that case."

「问题是，那种老虎已经不存在了，」奈士特说，「我们都没听过这种情况会是如何。」

He swept his head around to include all of them with his gesture.

他头一摆，代表他们全体。

"I know what happens," la Gorda said. "I remember that the Nagual Juan Matus called that ghost dreaming. He said that none of us has ever done ghost dreaming because we are not violent or destructive. He never did it himself. And he said that whoever does it is marked by fate to have ghost helpers and allies."

「我知道会如何，」拉葛达说，「我记得Nagual望、马特斯称此为「幽灵梦」。他说我们没有一个做过「幽灵梦」，因为我们都不具有暴力或毁灭性。他自己从来没做过。他说凡是做这种梦的人，命运注定要有幽灵帮手和同盟。」

"What does that mean, Gorda" I asked.

「这是什么意思呢，葛达？」我问。

"It means that you're not like us," she replied somberly.

「这表示你不像我们。」她阴郁地回答。

La Gorda seemed to be very agitated. She stood up and paced up and down the room four or five times before she sat down again by my side.

拉葛达似乎很激动。她站起来在房间里来回踱了四、五回步，然后才又坐到我身边。

There was a gap of silence in the conversation. Josefina mumbled something unintelligible. She also seemed to be very nervous. La Gorda tried to calm her down, hugging her and patting her back.

谈话出现了沉默的中断。约瑟芬娜喃喃说着听不清楚的话。她似乎也很紧张。拉葛达试着安抚他，搂着她，拍她的背。

"Josefina has something to tell you about Eligio," la Gorda said to me.

「约瑟芬娜要告诉你一些关于艾力高的事，」拉葛达对我说。

Everyone looked at Josefina without saying a word, a question in their eyes.

每个人都望着约瑟芬娜，没有人说话，大家眼睛充满疑问。

"In spite of the fact that Eligio has disappeared from the face of the earth," la Gorda went on, "he is still one of us. And Josefina talks to him all the time."

「虽然艾力高已经从这个世界上消失了，」拉葛达继续说，「他仍是我们的一员。约瑟芬娜时常跟他说话。」

The rest of them suddenly became attentive. They looked at one another and then they looked at me.

其它人突然变得警觉。他们相互望着，然后看着我。

"They meet in dreaming," la Gorda said dramatically. Josefina took a deep breath, she seemed to be the epitome of nervousness. Her body shook convulsively. Pablito lay on top of her on the floor and began breathing hard with his diaphragm, pushing it in and out, forcing her to breathe in unison with him.

「他们在「做梦」中见面。」拉葛达戏剧化地说。约瑟芬娜深吸一口气，她似乎紧张到了极点。她的身体激烈地颤抖。帕布力图躺在她身上，开始用力以腹部呼吸，一张一缩的，强迫她与他一起呼吸。

"What's he doing" I asked la Gorda.

「他在干什么？」我问拉葛达。

"What's he doing! Can't you see" she replied sharply.

「他在干什么？你看不出来吗？」她尖锐地回答。

I whispered to her that I was aware that he was trying to make her relax, but that his procedure was novel to me. She said that Pablito was giving Josefina energy by placing his midsection, where men have a surplus of it, over Josefina's womb, where women store their energy.

我低声对她说，我知道他是想帮她放轻松，但是他的作法对我很新鲜。她说帕布力图在给予约瑟芬娜能量，他把他的腹部放在约瑟芬娜的子宫上；男人的腹部有多余的能量，而女人的子宫是储存能量的地方。

Josefina sat up and smiled at me. She seemed to be perfectly relaxed.

约瑟芬娜坐起来对我微笑。她似乎完全放轻松了。

"I do meet Eligio all the time," she said. "He waits for me every day."

「我是时常见到艾力高，」她说，「他每天都等我。」

"How come you've never told us that" Pablito asked in a huffy tone.

「为什么你从来没有告诉我们？」帕布力图以不高兴的口气说。

"She told me," la Gorda interrupted, and then went into a lengthy explanation of what it meant to all of us that Eligio was available. She added that she had been waiting for a sign from me to disclose Eligio's words.

「她告诉了我，」拉葛达插嘴，然后冗长地解释艾力高仍然与我们在一起的意义。她又说她一直在从我身上等待一个征兆，来透露艾力高的讯息。

"Don't beat around the bush, woman!" Pablito yelled. "Tell us his words."

「少卖关子了，女人！」帕布力图叫道，「把他的话告诉我们。」

"They are not for you!" la Gorda yelled back.

「那不是给你的！」拉葛达叫回去。

"Who are they for, then" Pablito asked.

「那么是给谁的？」帕布力图问。

"They are for the Nagual," la Gorda yelled, pointing at me.

「那是给Nagual的，」拉葛达叫道，指着我。

La Gorda apologized for raising her voice. She said that whatever Eligio had said was complex and mysterious and she could not make heads or tails of it.

拉葛达抱歉说她提高了嗓门。她说艾力高所说的话是复杂而又神秘的，她一点也弄不懂。

"I just listened to him. That's all I was able to do, listen to him," she continued.

「我只是听他说。那就是我所能做的，听他说。」她继续说。

"Do you mean you also meet Eligio" Pablito asked in a tone that was a mixture of anger and expectation.

「你是说你也见过艾力高？」帕布力图的语气混和着愤怒与期待。

"I do," la Gorda replied in almost a whisper. "I couldn't talk about it because I had to wait for him."

「是的，」拉葛达的回答几乎像耳语，「我不能谈，因为我必须等他。」

She pointed to me and then pushed me with both hands. I momentarily lost my balance and tumbled down on my side.

她指着我，然后用两只手推我。我一时失去平衡，倒向一侧。

"What is this What are you doing to him" Pablito asked in a very angry voice. "Was that a display of Indian love"

「这算什么？你在对他做什么？」帕布力图很生气地说，「这是一种印地安人表达爱的方式吗？」

I turned to la Gorda. She made a gesture with her lips to tell me to be quiet.

我转向拉葛达。她以嘴唇示意我不要说话。

"Eligio says that you are the Nagual, but you are not for us," Josefina said to me.

「艾力高说你是Nagual，但你不是我们的Nagual。」约瑟芬娜对我说。

There was dead silence in the room. I did not know what to make of Josefina's statement. I had to wait until someone else talked.

房间一片死寂。我不知道该如何解释约瑟芬娜的话，只好等别人先开口。

"Do you feel relieved" la Gorda prodded me.

「你不感到松了口气吗？」拉葛达试探我。

I said to all of them that I did not have any opinions one way or the other. They looked like children, bewildered children. La Gorda had the air of a mistress of ceremonies who is thoroughly embarrassed.

我告诉他们全体，我完全没有意见。他们看起来像是困惑的小孩。拉葛达像个很困窘的女主人。

Nestor stood up and faced la Gorda. He spoke a phrase in Mazatec to her. It had the sound of a command or a reproach.

奈士特站起来面对拉葛达。他以马札提克语对她说了一句话。有一种命令或责备的腔调。

"Tell us everything you know, Gorda," he went on in Spanish. "You have no right to play with us, to hold back something so important, just for yourself."

「告诉我们你所知道的一切，葛达，」他继续以西班牙语说，「你没有权利玩弄我们，隐瞒这么重要的事，只为了你自己。」

La Gorda protested vehemently. She explained that she was holding on to what she knew because Eligio had asked her to do so. Josefina assented with a nod of her head.

拉葛达激烈地抗议着。她解释说她会隐瞒，是因为艾力高要求她这么做。约瑟芬娜点头表示同意。

"Did he tell all this to you or to Josefina" Pablito asked.

「他把这一切告诉你还是约瑟芬娜？」帕布力图问。

"We were together," la Gorda said in a barely audible whisper.

「我们是一起的，」拉葛达的声音几乎听不到。

"You mean you and Josefina dream together!" Pablito exclaimed breathlessly.

「你是说你与约瑟芬娜「共同做梦」！」帕布力图惊呼道。

The surprise in his voice corresponded to the shock wave that seemed to go through the rest of them,

他声音的惊讶似乎反映出其它人所感受的震撼。

"What exactly has Eligio said to you two" Nestor asked when the shock had subsided.

「艾力高到底对你们两个说了什么？」奈士特在惊讶平息后问。

"He said that I should try to help the Nagual remember his left side," la Gorda said.

「他说我应该试着帮助Nagual回忆他的左边。」拉葛达说。

"Do you know what she's talking about" Nestor asked me.

「你知道她在说什么吗？」奈士特问我。

There was no possibility that I would have known. I told them that they should turn to themselves for answers. But none of them voiced any suggestions.

我是不可能知道的。我告诉他们，他们应该向自己寻求答案。但是他们没有一个人表示意见。

"He told Josefina other things which she can't remember," la Gorda said. "So we are in a real fix. Eligio said that you are definitely the Nagual and you have to help us, but that you are not for us. Only upon remembering your left side can you take us to where we have to go."

「他告诉约瑟芬娜其它事情，但是她不记得了，」拉葛达说，「所以我们是真的被困住了。艾力高说你的确是Nagual，你必须帮助我们，但是你不是我们的Nagual。只有当你记得了你的左边后，你才能带领我们去我们该去的地方。」

Nestor spoke to Josefina in a fatherly manner and urged her to remember what Eligio had said, rather than insisting that I should remember something which must have been in some sort of code, since none of us could make sense of it.

奈士特以父执辈的态度对约瑟芬娜说话，鼓励她回忆艾力高所说的。他倒没有坚持要我去回忆某种必定是密码的东西，因为我们没有人了解那是什么。

Josefina winced and frowned as if she were under a heavy weight that was pushing her down. She actually looked like a rag doll that was being compressed. I watched in true fascination.

约瑟芬娜退缩皱眉，仿佛她受到了沉重的压力。她看起来真像个被压扁的布娃娃。我入迷地看着她。

"I can't," she finally said. "I know what he's talking about when he speaks to me, but I can't say now what it is. It doesn't come out."

「我不行，」她终于说，「当他对我说话时，我知道他在说什么，但是现在我不知道。它出不来。」

"Do you remember any words" Nestor asked. "Any single words"

「你记得任何字吗？」奈士特问，「任何特别的字？」

She stuck her tongue out, shook her head from side to side, and screamed at the same time.

她伸出舌头，左右摇着头，同时尖叫。

"No. I can't," she said after a moment.

「我不记得，」一会后她说。

"What kind of dreaming do you do, Josefina" I asked.

「你都是进行什么样的「做梦」，约瑟芬娜？」我问。

"The only kind I know," she snapped.

「我唯一知道的那样。」她回嘴道。

"I've told you how I do mine," I said. "Now tell me how you do yours."

「我告诉了你我的，」我说，「现在告诉我你是如何「做梦」。」

"I close my eyes and I see this wall," she said. "It's like a wall of fog. Eligio waits for me there. He takes me through it and shows me things, I suppose. I don't know what we do, but we do things together. Then he brings me back to the wall and lets me go. And I come back and forget what I've seen."

「我闭上眼睛，看见这座墙，」她说，「它像道雾。艾力高在里面等我。他带我穿过雾，给我看东西，我想。我不知道我们做了什么，但我们是一起做的。然后他带我回到墙边，让我回来。我回来后就忘了我所看见的。」

"How did you happen to go with la Gorda" I asked.

「你怎么会与拉葛达一起去的？」我问。

"Eligio told me to get her," she said. "The two of us waited for la Gorda, and when she went into her dreaming we snatched her and pulled her behind that wall. We've done that twice."

「艾力高要我带她来，」她说，「我们两个等待她，当她进入她的「做梦」时，我们就抓住她，把她拉到墙后面。我们这样做了两次。」

"How did you snatch her" I asked,

「你们怎们抓住她的？」我问。

"I don't know!" Josefina replied. "But I'll wait for you and when you do your dreaming I'll snatch you and then you'll know."

「我不知道！」约瑟芬娜回答，「但我会等待你，当你进行你的「做梦」时，我会抓住你，你就会明白了。」

"Can you snatch anyone" I asked.

「你能抓任何人吗？」我问。

"Sure," she said, smiling. "But I don't do it because it's a waste. I snatched la Gorda because Eligio told me that he wanted to tell her something on account of her being more levelheaded than I am."

「当然，」她微笑说，「但我不会这么做，因为这是浪费。我抓了拉葛达，因为艾力高告诉我，他要告诉她一些事，因为她要比我头脑清楚。」

"Then Eligio must have told you the same things, Gorda," Nestor said with a firmness that was not familiar to me.

「那么艾力高一定有告诉你那些事情，葛达，」奈士特以一种我所陌生的强硬态度说。

La Gorda made an unusual gesture of lowering her head, opening her mouth on the sides, shrugging her shoulders, and lifting her arms above her head.

拉葛达不寻常地低下头，咧着嘴，耸耸肩，然后把手臂高举过头。

"Josefina has just told you what happened," she said. "There is no way for me to remember. Eligio speaks with a different speed. He speaks but my body cannot understand him. No. No. My body cannot remember, that's what it is. I know he said that the Nagual here will remember and will take us to where we have to go. He couldn't tell me more because there was so much to tell and so little time. He said that somebody, and I don't remember who, is waiting for me in particular."

「约瑟芬娜刚刚告诉了你所发生的事，」她说，「我无法回忆。艾力高以不同的速度说话。他说了，但我的身体无法了解他的话。不，不，我的身体无法回忆他的话，就是这样。我知道他说这里的这个Nagual会记得，会带我们去我们必须去的地方。他无法说更多，因为有太多要说，而时间太短。他说有一个人，我不记得谁，特别在等待我。」

"Is that all he said" Nestor insisted.

「这就是他说的？」奈士特坚持问。

"The second time I saw him, he told me that all of us will have to remember our left side, sooner or later, if we want to get to where we have to go. But he is the one who has to remember first."

「我第二次见到他时，他告诉我，如果我们想继续走下去，我们全部迟早都会回忆起我们的左边。但这个人必须是第一个记得的。」

She pointed to me and pushed me again as she had done earlier. The force of her shove sent me tumbling like a ball.

她指着我，然后又像她早先时那样推了我一把。她的力道使我像个球往后翻滚。

"What are you doing this for, Gorda" I asked, a bit annoyed at her.

「你这样做是为什么，葛达？」我问，有点被惹恼了。

"I'm trying to help you remember," she said. "The Nagual Juan Matus told me that I should give you a push from time to time in order to jolt you."

「我是在帮助你回忆，」她说，「Nagual望、马特斯要我不时推你一把，才能惊动你。」

La Gorda hugged me in a very abrupt movement.

拉葛达突然抱住我。

"Help us, Nagual" she pleaded. "We are worse off than dead if you don't."

「帮助我们，Nagual，」她恳求道，「如果你不帮助我们，我们是生不如死。」

I was close to tears. Not because of their dilemma, but because I felt something stirring inside me. It was something that had been edging its way out ever since we visited that town.

我几乎要流下泪来。不是因为他们的困境，而是因为我感觉到有东西在我内部翻搅。自从我们去了那个小镇后，那东西便一直想要跑出来。

La Gorda's pleading was heartbreaking. I then had another attack of what seemed to be hyperventilation. A cold sweat enveloped me and then I got sick to my stomach. La Gorda tended to me with absolute kindness.

拉葛达的恳求令人心碎。这时我似乎又发作了一次过度患气的毛病。一阵冷汗袭来，我恶心到了极点。拉葛达非常体贴地照顾了我。

True to her practice of waiting before revealing a finding, la Gorda would not consider discussing our seeing together in Oaxaca. For days she remained aloof and determinedly uninterested. She would not even discuss my getting ill. Neither would the other women. Don Juan used to stress the need for waiting for the most appropriate time to let go of something that we hold. I understood the mechanics of la Gorda's actions, although I found her insistence on waiting rather annoying and not in accord with our needs. I could not stay with them too long, so I demanded that all of us should get together and share everything we knew. She was inflexible.

拉葛达真实遵守她的守口如瓶原则，不肯讨论我们在欧萨卡的「共同看见」。几天来她保持疏离与冷漠。她甚至不愿谈我的不适。其它女人也不愿意。唐望过去常强调要等待最适当的时机来放开我们所执着的事物。我了解拉葛达的作法，不过我觉得她坚持等待是有点恼人，不符合我们的需要。我无法与他们在一起太久，于是我要求我们全体聚在一起，分享我们所知道的一切。她不肯动摇。

"We have to wait," she said. "We have to give our bodies a chance to come up with a solution. Our task is the task of remembering, not with our minds but with our bodies. Everybody understands it like that."

「我们必须等待，」她说，「我们必须给我们的身体一个机会来找出解答。我们的任务是回忆，不是用我们的头脑，而是用我们的身体。所有人都了解这个任务。」

She looked at me inquisitively. She seemed to be looking for a clue that would tell her that I too had understood the task. I admitted to being thoroughly mystified, since I was the outsider. I was alone, while they had one another for support.

她探究地望着我，似乎在寻找线索让她知道我也了解这个任务。我承认我完全不懂，因为我是外人。我孤独一人，而他们可以彼此相扶持。

"This is the silence of warriors," she said, laughing, and then added in a conciliatory tone, "This silence doesn't mean that we can't talk about something else."

「这是战士的沈默，」她笑着说，然后又妥协地补充道，「这种沉默并不表示我们不能讨论其它事。」

"Maybe we should go back to our old discussion of losing the human form," I said.

「也许我们应该回去讨论我们的老题目，失去人类形象。」我说。

There was a look of annoyance in her eyes. I explained at length that, especially when foreign concepts were involved, meaning had to be continually clarified for me.

她眼中露出一丝不耐。我解释说，我在接触陌生观念时，必须时常加以澄清才行。

"What exactly do you want to know" she asked.

「你到底要知道什么？」她问。

"Anything that you may want to tell me," I said.

「任何你愿意告诉我的。」我说。

"The Nagual told me that losing the human form brings freedom," she said. "I believe it. But I haven't felt that freedom, not yet."

「Nagual告诉我，失去人类形象会带来自由，」她说，「我相信。但我没有感觉到那种自由，还没有。」

There was a moment of silence. She was obviously assessing my reaction.

一会儿沉默。她显然在衡量我的反应。

"What kind of freedom is it, Gorda" I asked.

「那是什么样的自由，葛达？」我问。

"The freedom to remember your self," she said. "The Nagual said that losing the human form is like a spiral. It gives you the freedom to remember and this in turn makes you even freer."

「回忆起自我的自由，」她说，「Nagual说失去人类形象是像个漩涡。它给人自由去回忆，而这会使人更自由。」

"Why haven't you felt that freedom yet" I asked.

「为什么你还没有感觉到那种自由？」我问。

She clicked her tongue, shrugged her shoulders. She seemed confused or reluctant to go on with our conversation.

她咋咋舌，耸耸肩。她似乎感到迷惑，或者不愿意继续我们的谈话。

"I'm tied to you," she said. "Until you lose your human form in order to remember, I won't be able to know what that freedom is. But perhaps you won't be able to lose your human form unless you remember first. We shouldn't be talking about this anyway. Why don't you go and talk to the Genaros"

「我与你是绑在一起的，」她说，「除非你失去了人类形象，开始回忆，我是不会知道那种自由是什么。但是也许你要先回忆，才会失去你的人类形象。反正我们不应该谈这个。你为什么不找哲那罗们谈呢？」

She sounded like a mother sending her child out to play. I did not mind it in the least. From someone else, I could easily have taken the same attitude as arrogance or contempt. I liked being with her, that was the difference.

她的口气像个母亲送孩子去玩。我一点也不介意。换了别人，我会把这种态度视为自大或冒犯。我喜欢与她在一起，这就是不同的地方。

I found Pablito, Nestor, and Benigno in Genaro's house playing a strange game. Pablito was dangling about four feet above the ground inside something that seemed to be a dark leather harness strapped to his chest under his armpits. The harness resembled a thick leather vest. As I focused my attention on it, I noticed that Pablito was actually standing on some thick straps that looped down from the harness like stirrups. He was suspended in the center of the room by two ropes strung over a thick round transverse beam that supported the roof. Each rope was attached to the harness itself, over Pablito's shoulders, by a metal ring.

我在哲那罗的屋子里找到了帕布力图，奈士特，与班尼诺。他们在玩一种奇怪的游戏。帕布力图穿著一个皮制的索具，绑在他的胸部腋下，整个人被吊起离地四尺高。索具看起来像厚皮甲。当我注意观察它时，我发现帕布力图实际是踩在很粗的绳圈里，这些绳圈是从索具垂下来的，像是马蹬铁。有两根绳子穿过屋顶下的横梁，绑在帕布力图肩膀索具上的金属环里，把他悬吊在房间中央。

Nestor and Benigno each held a rope. They were standing, facing each other, holding Pablito in midair by the strength of their pull. Pablito was holding on with all his strength to two long thin poles that were planted in the ground and fitted comfortably in his clasped hands. Nestor was to Pablito's left and Benigno to his right.

奈士特与班尼诺各抓着一根绳索。他们面对面站着，用他们的力量把帕布力图拉在半空中。帕布力图双手用全力握着两根插在地上的细长木棍。奈士特站在帕布力图左边，班尼诺站在右边。

The game seemed to be a three-sided tug-of-war, a ferocious battle between the ones who were tugging and the one who was suspended.

这场游戏像是三人的拔河，吊人者与被吊者之间的激烈战斗。

When I walked into the room, all I could hear was the heavy breathing of Nestor and Benigno. The muscles of their arms and necks were bulging with the strain of pulling.

当我走进房间时，我只听见奈士特与班尼诺的沉重呼吸。他们颈背的肌肉都因为拉力而鼓胀起来。

Pablito kept an eye on both of them, focusing on each one, one at a time, with a split-second glance. All three were so absorbed in their game that they did not even notice my presence, or if they did, they could not afford to break their concentration to greet me.

帕布力图轮流注意着他们两个，以快速的瞥视观察他们。他们三个都完全沉浸于他们的游戏中，没有注意到我的在场，或者就算有，他们也无法打破他们的专注来迎接我。

Nestor and Benigno stared at each other for ten to fifteen minutes in total silence. Then Nestor faked letting his rope go. Benigno did not fall for it, but Pablito did. He tightened the grip of his left hand and braced his feet on the poles in order to strengthen his hold. Benigno used the moment to strike and gave a mighty tug at the precise instant that Pablito eased his grip.

奈士特与班尼诺相互凝视了十几分钟，完全沉默。然后奈士特假装放开他的绳子。班尼诺没有上当，但是帕布力图被骗了。他左手用力，把脚紧靠在棍子上维持平衡。班尼诺利用机会攻击，在帕布力图放松下来的那一剎那猛力一拉。

Benigno's pull caught Pablito and Nestor by surprise. Benigno hung from the rope with all his weight. Nestor was outmaneuvered. Pablito fought desperately to balance himself. It was useless. Benigno won the round.

班尼诺的一拉出乎帕布力图与奈士特意料之外。班尼诺以全身重量拉扯绳子。奈士特无法应付。帕布力图拼命保持平衡。但是大势已去。班尼诺赢了这一局。

Pablito got out of the harness and came to where I was. I asked him about their extraordinary game. He seemed somehow reluctant to talk. Nestor and Benigno joined us after putting their gear away. Nestor said that their game had been designed by Pablito, who found the structure in dreaming and then constructed it as a game. At first it was a device for tensing the muscles of two of them at the same time. They used to take turns at being hoisted. But then Benigno's dreaming gave them the entry into a game where all three of them tensed their muscles, and they sharpened their visual prowess by remaining in a state of alertness, sometimes for hours.

帕布力图脱下索具，朝我走来。我问起他们的奇妙游戏。他似乎有点不想说话。奈士特与班尼诺放下绳子后也加入我们。奈士特说他们的游戏是帕布力图设计的，他在「做梦」中发现了这个结构，于是设计成一种游戏。起先是用来当成同时强化两人肌肉的手段。他们会轮流被吊起来。然后班尼诺在「做梦」中发现可以变成三人强化肌肉的游戏，他们可以锻炼他们的视觉敏锐度，保持在一种警觉的状态中，有时候好几个小时之久。

"Benigno thinks now that it is helping our bodies to remember," Nestor went on. "La Gorda, for instance, plays it in a weird way. She wins every time, no matter what position she plays. Benigno thinks that's because her body remembers."

「班尼诺认为现在它可以帮助我们的身体回忆，」奈士特继续说，「例如，拉葛达玩的方式很奇怪。她每次都赢，不管她玩什么位置。班尼诺认为那是因为她的身体记得。」

I asked them if they also had the silence rule. They laughed. Pablito said that la Gorda wanted more than anything else to be like the Nagual Juan Matus. She deliberately imitated him, up to the most absurd detail.

我问他们是否也有沉默的规矩。他们笑了起来。帕布力图说拉葛达最想要的就是像Nagual望、马特斯。她刻意模仿他，甚至包括最奇怪的细节。

"Do you mean we can talk about what happened the other night" I asked, almost bewildered, since la Gorda had been so emphatically against it.

「你是说，我们可以谈那天晚上发生的事？」我问，几乎不敢相信，因为拉葛达强烈地反对如此做。

"We don't care," Pablito said. "You're the Nagual!"

「我们不在乎，」帕布力图说，「你是Nagual！」

"Benigno here remembered something real, real weird," Nestor said without looking at me.

「班尼诺回忆起一些非常，非常奇怪的事。」奈士特说，没有看我。

"I think it was a mixed-up dream, myself," Benigno said. "But Nestor thinks it wasn't."

「我自己以为那是个混乱的梦。」班尼诺说，「但是奈士特不这么认为。」

I waited impatiently. With a movement of my head, I urged them to go on.

我不耐烦地等待着。我点头示意他们继续说下去。

"The other day he remembered you teaching him how to look for tracks in soft dirt," Nestor said.

「有一天，他记得你教他如何从松土中寻找痕迹。」奈士特说。

"It must have been a dream," I said.

「那一定是个梦。」我说。

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity, but all three of them looked at me with pleading eyes.

我想要笑其中的荒谬。但是他们三个都用期望的眼神看我。

"It's absurd," I said.

「真荒谬。」我说。

"Anyway, I better tell you now that I have a similar recollection," Nestor said. "You took me to some rocks and showed me how to hide. Mine was not a mixed-up dream. I was awake. I was walking with Benigno one day, looking for plants, and suddenly I remembered you teaching me, so I hid as you taught me and scared Benigno out of his wits."

「不管如何，我最好告诉你，现在我也有了类似的回忆，」奈士特说，「你带我去一处有岩石的地方，教我如何躲藏。我的回忆不是混乱的梦。我是清醒的。一天我正与班尼诺一起寻找植物，突然我记得你教过我，所以我用你教的我方法躲起来，把班尼诺吓的一塌糊涂。

"I taught you! How could that be When" I asked.

「我教过你！那怎么可能？什么时候？」我问。

I was beginning to get nervous. They did not seem to be joking.

我开始感到紧张。他们似乎不是在开玩笑。

"When That's the point," Nestor said. "We can't figure out when. But Benigno and I know it was you."

「什么时候？那正是问题所在，」奈士特说，「我们想不起是什么时候。但是班尼诺和我知道是你。」

I felt heavy, oppressed. My breathing became difficult. I feared I was going to get ill again. I decided right then to tell them about what la Gorda and I had seen together. Talking about it relaxed me. At the end of my recounting I was again in control of myself.

我感到沉重，被压迫。我的呼吸变得困难。我怕我又要生病了。这时我决定告诉他们，我与拉葛达曾经「共同看见」。谈这件事使我放松下来。我说完后又恢复了控制。

"The Nagual Juan Matus left us a little bit open," Nestor said. "All of us can see a little. We see holes in people who have had children and also, from time to time, we see a little glow in people. Since you don't see at all, it looks like the Nagual left you completely closed so that you will open yourself from within. Now you've helped la Gorda and she either sees from within or she's merely riding on your back."

「Nagual望、马特斯让我们比较开放些，」奈士特说，「我们都可以「看见」一点点。我们「看见」有小孩的人身上的洞，有时候也能「看见」人们身上有一点点光芒。由于你完全不能「看见」，似乎Nagual让你完全封闭住，使你可以从内在打开你自己。现在你帮助了拉葛达，她如果不是从内在「看见」，就只是在搭你的便车。」

I told them that what had happened in Oaxaca may have been a fluke.

我告诉他们，欧萨卡所发生的事也许只是碰巧。

Pablito thought that we should go to Genaro's favorite rock and sit there with our heads together. The other two found his idea brilliant. I had no objections. Although we sat there for a long time, nothing happened. We did get very relaxed, however.

帕布力图认为我们应该到哲那罗最喜爱的石头处，头靠着头坐在那里。其它两个觉得他的主意很棒。我没有意见。我们在那里坐了很久，但是没有事发生。不过我们是放松了许多。

While we were still sitting on the rock I told them about the two men la Gorda had believed to be don Juan and don Ge-naro. They slid down and practically dragged me back to la Gorda's house. Nestor was the most agitated. He was almost incoherent. All I got out of them was that they had been waiting for a sign of that nature.

我们坐在那里时，我告诉他们拉葛达相信是唐望与唐哲那罗的两个人。他们滑下岩石，几乎用拖的把我带回拉葛达的屋子。奈士特很激动，他几乎语无伦次。我只能听出他们是一直在等待这样的征兆。

La Gorda was waiting for us at the door. She knew what I had told them.

拉葛达在门口等待我们。她知道我告诉了他们。

"I just wanted to give my body time," she said before we had said anything. "I have to be dead sure, which I am. It was the Nagual and Genaro."

「我只是要给我身体时间，」她抢在我们之前说，「我必须要绝对确定，现在我是绝对确定了。他们是Nagual和哲那罗。」

"What's in those shacks" Nestor asked.

「那些木屋中有什么？」奈士特问。

"They didn't go inside them," la Gorda said. "They walked away toward the open fields, toward the east. In the direction of this town."

「他们没有进入木屋，」拉葛达说，「他们走向旷野，走向东方。这个镇的方向。」

She seemed bent on appeasing them. She asked them to stay; they did not want to. They excused themselves and left. I was sure that they felt ill at ease in her presence. She seemed to be very angry. I rather enjoyed her explosions of temper, and this was quite contrary to my normal reactions. I had always felt edgy in the presence of anyone who was upset, with the mysterious exception of la Gorda.

她似乎在努力安抚他们。她要他们留下来；他们不愿意。他们找借口离开了。我相信他们觉得有她在场让他们不安。她似乎很生气。我却蛮喜欢她的愤怒，这与我惯常的反应不一致。生气的人总是让我感到不自在，除了拉葛达是神秘的例外。

During the early hours of the evening all of us congregated in la Gorda's room. All of them seemed preoccupied. They sat in silence, staring at the floor. La Gorda tried to start a conversation. She said that she had not been idle, that she had put two and two together and had come up with some solutions.

傍晚时，我们全体集合在拉葛达的房间里。他们似乎都心有旁鹜。他们安静地坐着，瞪着地板。拉葛达试着开始谈话。她说她没有闲着，她思索了整件事，想出了一些答案。

"This is not a matter of putting two and two together," Nestor said. "This is a task of remembering with the body."

「这不是靠思索的事，」奈士特说，「这是一件用身体来回忆的任务。」

It seemed that they had talked about it among themselves, judging by the nods of agreement Nestor had from the others. That left la Gorda and myself as the outsiders.

从其它人的点头同意看来，显然他们自己有谈过。这使拉葛达与我成为局外人。

"Lydia also remembers something," Nestor went on. "She thought it was her stupidity, but upon hearing what I've remembered she told us that this Nagual here took her to a curer and left her there to have her eyes cured."

「莉蒂亚也记得了一些事，」奈士特继续说，「她以为那是她的愚蠢，但是听了我的回忆后，她告诉我们，是这里的这个Nagual带她去找一个医疗师，治疗她的眼睛。」

La Gorda and I turned to Lydia. She lowered her head as if embarrassed. She mumbled. The memory seemed too painful for her. She said that when don Juan first found her, her eyes were infected and she could not see. Someone drove her in a car over a great distance to the curer who healed her. She had always been convinced that don Juan had done that, but upon hearing my voice she realized that it was I who had taken her there. The incongruity of such a memory threw her into agony from the first day she met me.

拉葛达与我转向莉蒂亚。她像是难为情地低下头，喃喃说了什么，仿佛这个回忆令她痛苦。她说当唐望发现她的时候，她的眼睛发炎看不见东西。有人开车带她行驶了很长的距离，去一个医疗师那里治好了她。她一直相信是唐望，但是在听到我的声音后，她明白是我带她看病的。这个矛盾的回忆使她从见到我的第一天起，就陷入混乱痛苦中。

"My ears don't lie to me," Lydia added after a long silence. "It was you who took me there."

「我的耳朵不会对我说谎，」莉蒂亚沉默许久后又说，「是你带我去的。」

"Impossible! Impossible!" I yelled.

「不可能！不可能！」我叫道。

My body began to shake, out of control. I had a sense of duality. Perhaps what I call my rational self, incapable of controlling the rest of me, took the seat of a spectator. Some part of me was watching as another part of me shook.

我的身体开始失去控制地颤抖起来。我有一种双重的感觉。也许是我所谓的理性自我无法控制其余的我，于是就退回到旁观者的地位。某部份的我在观看其余的我颤抖。

（【美】卡洛斯·卡斯塔尼达 《巨鹰的赠予》）