对事件的细节描写还需要进一步加强。另外要休息详略得当，才能更有吸引力

语言清新活波，情感丰富而真实，但要注意分段，勿把十几行为一段，要有详有略。

写得好！尤其是题目，题目很新颖，结尾开头也都点题了！结尾尤其好，非常与众不同！内容先写了周围环境，然后写自己被难题难住了。但开头不太好，可以改成：人生当中，都会遇到困难，可最大的困难莫过于那一个个令人百思不得其解的难题了，它们像一道道墙柱当着我们前进,所以我们总是绞尽脑汁把它们攻克。

实话实说你写的很嫩，结尾跟内容根本就是2个意思，故事内容说的是你答题做不上来，之后应该反省，然后规划以后怎么做，最后得出的真理应该是细心，环境描写不到位，要描写郁闷的心情不一定要用坏天气做背景，过渡也不好，你爸不会过去看了一眼就说吧，要有神态，动作之类的，总之你就多多读书就懂了，对于你们低年级的学生来说还行。不过要多学一点。不然5,6年级一篇作文都奥5,6百字，你根本写不出来。一点建议，总而言之多读书。

虽然有前后呼应的意识，但比喻用的不太合理，攻克墙，有点太扯，过于幼稚，缺乏思考

可以啊，写得好

你这英文，中式英语的味道太重，看你标题就能看出来：
1. With technology developing , micro-blogs is popular with people.Especially industry elites and public figures .Posting informations ,expressing opinions as well.It is micro-blogs that infiuence our life .However ,anything has its advantages and disadvantages.I think micro-blogs has some advantages .
改：With technology developing , the micro-blog becomes popular. Industry elites and public figures are especially in favor of it; they post informations ,express opinions by micro-blog, and this starts to influence our life. Though every coin has two sides, i think micro-blog has some advantages.

2. First of all ,the reason why most people can get some informations is that some people are posting informations on micro-blogs.Besides(Secondly),it can bring us more convenience and close our relationship.We can keep in touch with industry elites and public figues wherever we are .How helpful it is! On the contrary ,if they post some informations which are unture,it would make people worried .This is worthy of attention(This is THE OTHER SIDE of it).
改：参考括号内文字。THE OTHER SIDE是指上面说的two sides，advantage是一个side, 另外一个side就是worried的东西了。

As far as I am concened（concern） ,I support the first view.What is more ,govement need keep watch on the micro-blogs.As long as using it properly ,it not only can contain your knowledge,but also can reduce stress.
改： 第一句重复了，删掉。Government should make regulations and supervise the micro-blog, as long as it is used properly, it can expand your knowladge and reduce stress.

供参考。